To the left is a $25 million watch encrusted with gems by Chopard. Besides being extremely ugly, you also can’t use it to tell time, as the face is buried in bling. To add insult to luxury, we’ve heard it has a small indicator that lights up every minute to represent each time a sucker is born.

To make sure you can never get the seconds for your 100-meter dash, the Milus Tirion TriRetrograde breaks up the seconds into three separate sectors. The watchband features alligator leather, and the casing is available in stainless steel or red gold. Price: $44,000

In the IWC Portuguese Tourbillon Mystere there is a floating tourbillon at the 12 o’clock position, mysteriously suspended as if by magic. It comes as one of a limited edition 250 watches made in white gold and contains 44 jewels. Price: $94,000

The watch display of Van Cleef & Arpels Midnight In Paris includes a map of constellations under the Paris sky and a rose gold cover, which looks more like midnight in Paris due to light pollution. Price: $137,000

In an effort to distance itself from the common tourbillon, Blancpain’s Volant Une Minute uses the specialized carrousel, which is like the Betamax version of the tourbillon. The carrousel rotates once a minute, and is water-resistant to 100 meters, but shouldn’t you take this one off before swimming? Price: $180,000

Jaeger’s Gyrotourbillon includes a rotating, spherical tourbillon (the housing set to neutralize gravitational effects), which will either excite you or make you slightly seasick, since it turns every 18.75 seconds. It also includes a sapphire crystal and gold inertial blocks. Price: $350,000

Maitres du Temps (masters of time, for those playing at home) created Chapter One as their first watch, and that should remind you that you never, ever buy version 1.0 of anything. Among other complications is a dial with the phase of the moon so you can time your virgin sacrifice down to the second. Price: $400,000

The Colosso from Hysek has a miniature globe that makes a daily rotation (just like the real thing, get it?) and has 62 jewels. Price: $550,000

DeWitt’s WX-1 might be the first luxury watch inspired by Steampunk. It appears as if the timepiece is stored within a small vault, meaning that you can wear this while running and leave your wrist weights at home. It’s powered by USB, so you’ll want to invest in that technology’s continuation as well. Price: $650,000

The Grande Complication by Blancpain has, aside from the name that screams Caveat Emptor, a perpetual calendar, automatic winding 44 jewels and a black crocodile wristband. Price: $785,000

Vacheron Constantin celebrated its 250th anniversary with the 7-figure Tour de l’Ile. It has 834 parts, an 18-carat gold dial and alligator leather band. It also took 10,000 person-hours to build, Price: $1.6 million